BUSINESS NEWS

TUPNews is a staunch supporter of the PC cause, but isn't it boring the way large companies always feature attractive, multicultural, usually female employees on their corporate websites? TUPNews notes that US energy company Entergy is bucking this trend: www.entergy.com.

EURASIA NEWS

Turkmenistan President-for-Life and early candidate for TUPNews Man of the Year Saparmurat Niyazov - aka Turkmenbashi the Great - has ordered a ban on lip synching performances across the Eurasian nation, citing "a negative effect on the development of singing and musical art."

"Unfortunately, one can see on television old voiceless singers lip-synching their old songs," Niyazov told a Cabinet meeting in comments broadcast on state TV on Tuesday. "Don't kill talents by using lip synching... Create our new culture."

Under Niyazov's order, lip synching is now prohibited at all cultural events, concerts, on television — and at private celebrations such as weddings.

Like fellow dictator Kim Il Sung, Niyazov is regarded as a “bit of a character” by the world community (and humans rights groups). Previous things he has banned include long hair, beards, gold teeth, ballet and opera.

He also announced two decrees, the first of which stated that television presenters were banned from wearing make-up as the President had difficulty telling male and female newsreaders apart. The second declared that the chewing of tobacco on Turkmen territory was to be outlawed (because Niyazov had to give up smoking after a successful anti-cancer operation).

His face appears on all Manat banknotes as well as on local brands of vodka, tea and other commodities. Turkmen TV superimposes a golden profile of him over its programs, and large portraits of the President hang all over the country, especially on major public buildings and avenues, and statues of himself and his mother are scattered all over Turkmenistan. The statues include one in the centre of capital Ashgabat towering above the Arch of Neutrality (neutrality being the centerpiece of Turkmenbashy's simplistic foreign policy): a golden statue of the great leader with outstretched arms that always catch the sun as the likeness rotates 360 degrees in a 24-hour period.

"I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets - but it's what the people want", Niyazov has said.

He has renamed the month of January after himself, and the month of April after his mother.

Last year, he ordered that a giant ice palace be constructed in the middle of the desert country, although many observers have said that without some form of technical assistance it will be an impossible dream. “Let us build a palace of ice so our children can learn to ice skate,' Niyazov said, 'big and grand enough for 1,000 people.”

additional reporting: AP, wikipedia

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

OK, the sun is out, England are batting well and it's Friday afternoon, so TUPNews is throwing this one in there just for pure japes. If you're after an enjoyable way to whittle away the last few hours of the working week, log on to www.punternet.com. This is a site where men review experiences with call-girls. There are literally tens of thousands of 'field reports', searchable by date, city, name of girl etc. The trick is to run a search of a northern or otherwise backwater town, but filter it so you only get the field reports where the experience is 'not recommended'. You end up with dozens of Northerners complaining about crap prostitutes. Priceless. My personal favourite:

"Oh dear!
Why are black girls always called 'Naomi'. Some sort of auto suggestion on the parlour owners behalf I suppose but this was not Ms Campbell we were getting here, more Sol Campbell!"

Enjoy. You don't have to thank me.

SPORTS NEWS

Men’s wrestling (street)
Friendly
Commercial Street, Shoreditch

The Invincible Thorsted bt TUPNews by one fall to nil

A strong performance from The Invincible Thorsted, who overcame a 35lb weight disadvantage to defeat TUPNews in this unscheduled Sunday night street wrestling event. This was TUPNews’ debut on the Shoreditch circuit, but emboldened by several bottles of £3.50 Russian lager and the innate, tribal echo of impromptu scrums in West Country pub car parks, TUPNews accepted Thorsted’s open challenge to the patrons of the Ten Bells.

After a guarded start, the bare-chested TUPNews initially got the better of the spandex-clad Scandinavian, bringing him down by grabbing his leg and pushing him against a wall. Thorsted resisted the pin forcefully, however, and TUPNews could only hold him down for a one-count. The tables turned quickly – Thorsted turned TUPNews and put him into a choke-hold, at which point TUPNews ran out of ideas and tapped out. A short match, but well received by watching pubgoers and passing tour parties. TUPNews pays tribute to The Invincible Thorsted, a fine athelete.

LONDON NEWS

TUPNews recently visited the New London Architecture exhibition at the NLA buildings on Store St, just off the Tottenham Court Road. The exhibition sets out to provide an overview of all the lush shit they’ve been banging up, and intend to bang up, over London in the next couple of years – the Shard, More London, Olympic Village etc. Needless to say, it’s absolutely fucking lush, and TUPNews highly recommends you pop down in your lunch break. Highlights include Belgrave House in Victoria, a very sleek-looking office environment, and the Minerva building in the City, which is some serious space-age shit. Also did you know that Highbury stadium is being converted into an art deco block of flats, with the pitch maintained as a public garden? Jokes!!

The best line from the introductory guff about the mayor’s London Plan was the one about the programme to build 30,000 new homes – “half of which should be affordable.” The other half presumably being ridiculously overpriced, like everything else in London.

The only thing that let it down was the feedback area, where citizens were able to put up postcards saying things to the effect of, “what about wildlife?” (move to the Lake District, you cretin); “will people be priced out of their neighbourhoods?” (of course they will, this is London you cretin), and my favourite – this one is real – “When the skyscrapers will touch the sky… will we stop dreaming?” (of course not, you fucking cretin). TUPNews is all for democracy in most areas, but not architecture – when it comes to banging up lush shit, you’ve got to trust in the vision of heroes and ignore everything else. Take the new Heathrow Terminal Five – bad for emissions, unpleasant on the locals but fuck me it looks lush.