TUPNews is a subsidiary of The Uncertainty Principle

Tuesday

EUROPE NEWS

Today TUPNews reports live from Paris, the capital of France.

I visit Paris at least once a year, just to check up on the French, make sure they're looking after themselves etc. They are somewhat prone to melancholy, so you have to keep an eye. Thankfully I can report that the French are doing just fine.

This is largely, I believe, because they seem to have discovered rollerskating, and it's making them very happy. Parisians of all ages rollerskate everywhere. Londoners also rollerskate, but tend to treat it as a discrete hobby. They wear pads and arrange cones in Trafalgar Square, or go to one of the city's large parks in order to rollerskate for its own sake. Parisians, it seems, simply use rollerskates to get around, as it's quicker. About half wear traditional rollerskates, and half wear roller blades.

UPDATE!

French women remain divine, TUPNews can report. See a fit girl on the Tube and it's "cor, wouldn't mind a bit of that!" See a delicate French flower on the Metro and it's "i want to devote every waking moment of my life exclusively to making you happy. i would crawl through broken glass to elicit a slight sweet smile from your angelic Gallic face."

There are downsides to being in Paris, however. For example, French law makes it impossible to buy any food before noon that isn't a cake. i was virtually laughed out of a cafe this morning for demanding an omelette.

In a friendly way, however. Contrary to stereotype, I have been very impressed with the warm service I have received here.

Thursday

BUSINESS NEWS

TUPNews can report that open outcry trading is dead and buried in Europe, and that it is only a matter of time before it disappears in the US.

Open outcry trading is basically what you see in the movie Trading Places, or in that scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where they go to the Chicago Mercantile Exchange and Cameron makes funny hand gestures from the gallery. Lots of men dress in brightly-coloured jackets and shout at each other for hours on end. As a result, our homes stay lit and heated and pork bellies and orange juice are stocked on our supermarket shelves.

There’s been a creep towards electronic trading platforms for many years now – most of my university friends who are now traders know no different. But the old guard are now slowly starting to die off as the market moves to electronic trading.

The International Petroleum Exchange closed its floor earlier this year and went straight to electronic trading, much to the annoyance of traders and brokers (a broker gets instructions on the phone from clients and relays it to his traders, who make deals with other traders by shouting and waving their hands). The New York Mercantile Exchange (Nymex) saw an opportunity and tried to quickly establish an open outcry trading floor in London. They were held up by the FSA and so opened a temporary floor in Dublin. Traders desperate to keep it old school started racking up the Ryanair frequent flyer miles, making weekly commutes to Ireland – exacerbating existing drink/drug problems and putting the nail in the coffin of many marriages.

Finally, they were able to open the London floor last month, and TUPNews was lucky enough to be present. It was on a much smaller scale than the huge trading floors you see in the States – the whole room is about the size of a pub, with one main pit for the Brent crude oil contract and a smaller one for the gasoil contract. Traders stand in a ring around the pit, looking up at screens above them streaming in news and prices. A young boy sits in the middle of the ring at a desk, wearing safety goggles. The traders shout at each other and make orders, which they write down on small cards and throw at the young boy in the middle, who files them or something. Even on a small scale, it’s an amazing thing to see.

It’s not until you see these guys in action that you understand why they are so desperate to stick to open outcry trading. It’s basically like being on the terraces of a football match all day – in fact, with their bulky Essex frames and fluorescent jackets, some of them look like football stewards. And when you talk to them, you realise that the cliché is true - all of these old boys are basically Cockney barrow-boys. While they may work in finance, they are the cultural descendents of Billingsgate fish merchants or Smithfields butchers. Most of these boys don’t have any A-Levels; they can barely work a computer. Put them in an office and ask them to trade on a screen and they are completely fucked.

As is the Nymex London floor. Volumes are down 81% since the first week, and the number of traders on the floor has dwindled from 93 to twelve. Nymex are putting a brave face on it, but it is obvious that their crusade to keep open outcry alive has failed, at least on the European front. And now that they are floating themselves on the stock exchange, their New York-based traders will come under pressure from shareholders to make the switch to electronic. The end of an era is beckoning.

Should Joe Sixpack care? Not really, your home will still be lit and heated, the pork bellies and orange juice will stay on the shelves. They won’t cost any more, either. But the world of commerce will have lost a refreshingly chaotic and human face.

Tuesday

BUSINESS NEWS

TUPNews trading idea: shorting green tea.

Chinese tea production rose by 8.7% last year, while domestic consumption grew by only 2%. In an effort to alleviate rural poverty, the Chinese government has scrapped taxes on tea production, and new orchards are springing up everywhere. Meanwhile young Chinese are all about Pop Idol (or rather, Chinese equivalent The Mongolian Cow Sour Yogurt Supergirl Concert) and drinking Pepsi. The result: a glut of exported Chinese tea soon to hit the market, driving down prices.

Make sure you mitigate the FX exposure with some choice currency derivatives, natch. It may also be worth shorting green tea producers in Sri Lanka, India and Indonesia, who are all now basically fucked.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

Apologies if this is common knowledge that somehow passed TUPNews by, but do you remember Eminem’s classic breakthrough hit “My Name Is”?

Did you know that the main musical refrain of the track is a sample of “I Got The”, a track from Labi Siffre’s 1975 “Remember My Song” album?

Written and played by session musicians Charles Hodges and David Peacock?

Also known as Chas ‘n’ Dave?

Monday

SPORTS NEWS

Badminton

Gentlemens’ Singles Match
Friendly
Queen Mother Sports Centre

The Uncertainty Principle bt TUPNews 2-1
(15-3 15-6 8-15)

Unfortunately, Jake was not unnerved by my pre-game tactic of turning up half an hour late. Leaden footwork in the first game saw TUPNews crash to a barely-contested, profanity-littered defeat. In the second, sharp service and a ruthless punishment of TUPNews’ weak backhand saw Jake lead from the outset and seal the match. After switching shuttlecocks, a finally warmed-up TUPNews managed to create and maintain a lead and take a consolation game. Back to the drawing board for TUPNews!

Friday

SPORTS NEWS

Football
Ryman's League Division One

Dulwich Hamlet 0
Leatherhead 1


TUPNews
recently paid a visit to Champions Hill, home of Dulwich Hamlet FC. I’ve missed seeing regular non-league football since I moved to London – I used to go to every Bath City home game during my previous life as a Somerset radiator salesman – so I like to go down and support the Hamlet boys every once and while.

The boys were unlucky this time around, conceding a dubious penalty and having a man sent off late in the second half. It’s a lovely club though, steeped in history. The last amateur player to win an England cap, Edgar Kail, played for Dulwich Hamlet. There’s a road named after him nearby.

Hamlet are managed by Martin Eede. Eede was the club’s chairman up until 2001, when previous gaffer Gweyne Berry resigned after a 6-1 defeat. Eede thought ‘fuck it, how hard can it be’ and appointed himself manager. He’s still the chairman. But best of all, he’s also the groundsman. My mate Tim’s uncle knows him, he manages Redhill FC.

Last season I went down the Hamlet only to find that the afternoon’s opposition were none other than AFC Wimbledon, the club set up by Wimbledon FC fans after their club was moved to Milton Keynes and renamed the MK Dons. The place was packed; I couldn’t get a seat. AFC Wimbledon ended up champions that year, but they weren’t all that spectacular against Dulwich Hamlet – it was even stevens for most of the match, before Hamlet conceded a soft goal in the last five minutes.

One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen was at a Dulwich Hamlet match. The team were a goal down against Newport Isle of Wight. There was a couple sitting next to me – he was fixed on the match, but she was reading a book. The book was titled “Coping With Loss”. An excellent book to read at a football match!