BUSINESS NEWS

TUPNews can report that Barclays Bank, to whom I have remained loyal for many years, is suffering from some kind of mid-life crisis.

Barclays always treated me well, even during my reckless student days, and I anticipate banking with them for as long as I reside in the UK. I like the brand. NatWest, Lloyds and the Royal Bank of Scotland all strike me as – there’s no other word – naff.

HSBC has a certain global citizen charm, I suppose. But Barclays, however, is the bank of the English gentleman. “Help yourself,” I imagine them saying as they treat me to another overdraft extension, “you’re an Oxford man, I’m sure you’re good for it.”

But this veneer of competent conservatism is starting to slip. First off, I was disappointed when they dropped their incomprehensibly pretentious “Fluent in Finance” TV ads, featuring the actor Samuel Jackson. These annoyed many, which in turn delighted me. This is exactly what I want from my bank, I thought – for them to say, “we are fluent in finance, so run along and play while we go look after serious things like your money.”

These were replaced by the “brainstorming” TV ads, essentially office comedies in which young Barclays executives pitched outlandish schemes to each other. These were odd, but were at least in my view vaguely funny. I was mildly concerned, but figured it was just a phase.

A recent visit to the Charing Cross branch has left me bewildered, however. To my amusement and horror, Barclays seem to have hired the same brand managers as those – there’s no other word – gaylords at the Innocent Smoothie Company.

I reach the front of the queue, to be greeted by this sign:

Nearly there*
*Thanks for waiting!

I am trying to work out why the apostrophe is necessary when the teller calls me to the window. She is wearing a badge that reads:

Jennifer
Counter manager
I’d love to help.

This I find a bit try-hard, but Jennifer is so polite and friendly that I actually believe it. After cashing my cheque, Jennifer invites me to participate in a customer feedback exercise, which involves answering five questions by pressing buttons on a machine next to the counter.

The first is innocuous enough – “How long did you wait today?” 0-3 minutes, I happily respond. The second question is equally prosaic and technical, I don’t remember it precisely.

The third is a statement to which the customer is invited to express a level of agreement. The statement was:

I made you feel special

At this I burst into uncontrollable laughter. Thinking about it, I decided that Jennifer had indeed made me feel special, and went to punch “Strongly Agree”. Except I wasn’t offered “Strongly Agree” or “Agree”, but rather “Absolutely” or “I’d say so.” I went for “Absolutely”.

The next statement sent me into a protracted giggling fit:

Overall, it went well today

Yes, I thought, tears forming in my eyes, it did go well. In fact, it was perfect. I will remember this day fondly. I hit “Absolutely”.

I was hoping that the final statement would be something along the lines of “It would be nice to see each other again soon, maybe go to a movie or something”, but it was in fact “I would recommend Barclays to friends and family.”

I punched “Absolutely”.